Not Every Man Is An Ass Man

Not Rough and Ready Butt Sluts. Talk about a missed opportunity. 

 

Welcome To The Jungle Baby, A Drunk Cop Is Going To Interrogate You At 2AM In Your Bedroom!

 Female Jungle 1955

Starring: Kathleen Crowley, Lawrence Tierney, John Carradine, Burt Kaiser, and introducing Jayne Mansfield.

More like her head needs to be introduced to a paper bag.

Jayne Mansfield! I never saw a Jayne Mansfield movie before. 

Some fancy lady in a very fugly dress gets out of a cab crosses the street and gets murdered! The killer stole the fugly choker she had on. The gem looks like a cluster of Brockway raspberry hard candies.

Ouch! My neck!

This is the worst crime scene investigation since the JonBenet Ramsey investigation! They're letting the body just lie in the middle of the street while a bunch of randoms walk around it. What an awkward scene between the lead detective, the boss of the police, and the coroner. The coroner just sneezed all over the boss of the police. Blech

Some guy is standing in front of a building smoking. The lead detective and the boss of the police notice him.... he's a cop! A dipsomaniac cop! He got blackout drunk and thinks that he might have killed that fancy lady. Fancy lady is an actress, so she was slumming it. Boss of the police is riding Drunkard Cop's ass pretty hard and not in a fun way. Drunkard Cop has a good point when he tells Boss of the police that what he does on his time is his business but Boss of the police doesn't agree. Hard ass.

Damn, the body is just lying there and people are staring at it. Including a creepy greasy-looking loser with boyband hair. 

Quit playing games with my corpse... 

While he just stands there staring at a dead body his wife is walking home, alone at night, all by herself. Some creep is following her. Could that be the killer? Doubt it. Greasy Creep shows up and acts like his wife is bringing home strange men for the fun of it. Seriously, this guy is a dick. 

John Carradine is the creep who followed her home and he wants Greasy Creep, who is a caricature artist, to draw him at 2ish in the morning. I don't see how this could cause any problems.

Greasy Creep offers John a drink but Greasy Creep has already done did drink it all. How shameful and embarrassing! Greasy Creep will draw John's goofy likeness for a staggering $10! That was a lot of money back then. Wife goes to their gross little kitchen to make some coffee. Greasy Creep follows her in and they start talking about what a loser he is and how Wife is bragging about making fourteen dollars and some odd cents in tips to his ten dollars. Wife is all like "Maybe if you did this? Maybe if you did that?" She is making his sour mood worse. Wait? Is he eating a raw hot dog? I think he's eating a raw hot dog! Gross.

Domestic squabbles are better with raw hot dogs.

Lady seriously needs to drop this drunk greasy hot dog eating $10 a month earning loser. Maybe her luck has just changed because he storms out. Damn, this lady is stupid. Greasy Creep storms out in the middle of the night leaving her alone with a stranger and she readily agrees to go to said stranger's house for a drink. 

Let's drop in on Drunkard Cop, shall we? He's hanging out at the bar asking questions and keeping the good folks at Club Can-Can from going home. People keep telling him that he took a blonde home and he can't remember a thing about it. There is something seriously wrong with Drunkard Cop, he goes to the apartment of a waitress in the middle of the night and then questions her right in her bedroom! With her husband trying to sleep. What the what? After haranguing the waitress in her bedroom he gets the name of the lady he was with. And that lady is...

She makes out with any man who walks into her apartment.

Jayne! Jayne is lying there like a dead fish in leopard print pants and Drunkard Cop just walks into her apartment and then they start making out. In the middle of the make-out session, she answers the phone and starts making plans with another man. This is seriously a WTF? moment. Jayne's radio is blaring and it starts to replay the interviews from the premiere that Fancy Lady was at earlier that night. This gives Drunkard Cop an important clue, that John was also at the premiere. Uh oh, Fourteen Dollars And Some Odd Cents In Tips Lady is with him at this home! 

Don't worry honey, I use water and vinegar.

Meanwhile, John and Fourteen Dollars And Some Odd Cents In Tips Lady are enjoying a drink at his place. His home is the fanciest of 1950s living and she loves it! He has a garden in the living room, a fancy audio system, a picture of the Fancy Lady, and a swimming pool! John starts getting creepy, Fourteen Dollars And Some Odd Cents In Tips lady asks what's outside and she asks to go for a swim. How convenient, John has ladies' swimsuits in the pool house. 

Greasy Creep comes back home after doing whatever and finds out his wife went with John.  Jayne hears him come into their scuzzy apartment building and tries to make out with him. But he ain't having it. When he finds out his wife is gone he's suddenly very worried about her. So worried he goes to the police who are still at Club Can-Can.

This scene would have worked better with a raw hotdog.

But my wife is missing, and so is my copy of "Rough and Ready Butt Sluts"!

After reporting to Drunkard Cop and Lead Cop that his wife is gone and that he's really worried about her he goes out into the alley and runs into Jayne! They start making out and in between slobbers, he tells Jayne how worried he is about his wife and how his wife is his whole world. Just as Greasy Creep tells Jayne that they're through because of how much loves his wife, John drives up with Fourteen Dollars And Some Odd Cents In Tips Lady. Greasy Loser accuses her of slutterly and she runs home crying. 

Drunkard Cop and Lead Cop start to question John and things get heated, so heated John accuses Lead Cop of bullying him into a wrongful confession and Drunkard Cop tells Lead Cop to lay off then he punches him.

Why would I steal your copy of "Rough and Ready Butt Sluts"? I don't even like Dostoevsky!

John said that Greasy Creep is the killer so Drunkard Cop agrees to a set up. Greasy Creep learns that John got away and calls Fourteen Dollars And Some Odd Cents In Tips Lady to stay put and to lock the door. Just as she locks the door John jumps out and scares her. She runs out and runs into Greasy Creep who then yells at her. She runs away again then Jayne comes out of nowhere to convince Greasy Creep to leave his wife and then Geasy Creep gets all nutty and admits to the murder and then kills Jayne. Greasy Creep gets caught and all is well. Well not for Fourteen Dollars And Some Odd Cents In Tips Lady, she just learned that her husband was a cheating, not right in the head murderer. 

Now who will eat raw hot dogs while arguing with me about who gets to read "Rough and Ready Butt Sluts" first? 

This was an odd little film that deserves multiple viewing. 

I'm Still Waiting For An Explanation For Mark's Accent

 She Waits 1972 

Starring: Patty Duke, David McCallum, Dorothy McGuire

What the hell? When did I get glaucoma? Why is this so damn fuzzy? Why won't someone take a sweater shaver to this!

I like whatever music that's playing, very atmospheric. I wouldn't want to hear it playing in an old dark house I would be wandering around at night.

This is the longest most boring shot since The Haunting of Julia. At least A Touch of Evil's long opening had things going on so you had to pay attention in case you missed something. 

Finally, we get to where whatever it is was going and an old lady does that gasp-awake thing they do in movies. Lady, if you're frightened then turn on some damn lights. Why in the hell is she walking around in the dark? People in horror movies have no common sense. 

After some aimless wandering around a frightening hag appears out of nowhere!

Shock, gasp! Old hag!

It's just the old loyal housekeeper, Mrs. M, scolding Dorothy for walking around in the dark.

Maybe I can find something better to watch??

Here comes PattyCathy and her husband Mark. And Mark has an English accent. Why does he have an English accent? His mother doesn't have an English accent and Mrs. M doesn't have an English accent. 

After a quick look-see and awkward visit with Mark's mother, Mrs. M takes CathyPatty to Mark's boyhood room, the room where he slept every night until he got married to his first wife, and offers her some chicken. His accent is bothering me.

Mark never uses an English accent at home.

Now it's time for bed. PattyCathy can't sleep and hears someone talking. So instead of minding her business, she snoops around and ends up in a bedroom and finds a music box. It plays that creepy theme song and then the wind blows through the window. I guess that music box was an invitation to let the wrong one in. 

The following day CathyPatty explores the city of Los Angeles and passes by an antique shop and in the window is a music box that looks like the one at Mark's house! 

It better not play the theme to Love Story!

Later that evening, PattyCathy Mark, and Mark's friend who looks familiar but I can't place and who I think he was in a Golden Girls episode but I'm not sure, joins them for dinner. CathyPatty asks a lot of questions like "Why do you have an English accent and no one else does?" Not really but that's what I would have asked. Then she starts nagging him about his first wife Elaine and how she died.

"Did Elaine get hit by a clown car and then was trampled to death by twenty-four pairs of comically big shoes?" 

"We'll talk about it later."

"Was Elaine doing time trials for a place on the US Olympic team then accidentally skied off of a cliff?"

"Really, we'll talk about it later."

"Did Elaine dance on top of a bar while flashing her girls then slip on a lime?"

"Please, dear, we will discuss it later."

"Was Elaine painting the San Francisco bridge and the harness broke and then plunged to her death?"

"For crying out loud CathyPatty, this can wait until we're home." 

"Familiar-looking friend of Mark whom I can't quite place, do you know happened?"

After being told to mind her business she goes home and has a chat with Mark's coo-coo bananas mother who tells her to take Mark and get out or the ghost of Elaine will get him. This scares PattyCathy into a fit of hysterics and she passes out. 

Mark, it was so awful I dreamt that you had an English accent and no one else did!

Shortly after CathyPatty comes to the spirit of Elaine finally takes over and tries to kill Mark because Mark killed her!! But not really, after Mark tells Elaine's ghost to remember that night the truth is revealed! Mark's familiar-looking friend whom I can't quite place killed Elaine! Now Mark has to tell PattyCathy to come back and kick Elaine out.

Aww, Mark can finally tell CathyPatty how much he luvs her. All seems well, Mark's familiar-looking friend falls down the stairs and dies and his mother can rest easy again. But wait! A cold wind blows through the window, so maybe Elaine hasn't left after all?

Nope, I can't find a reason for my English accent in this copy of "Rough and Ready Butt Sluts".

For a made-for-TV horror movie, it's creepy, really creepy, and it does the job. But Mark's accent annoyed me. 

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Never Trust A Man Who Eats Cats

Return from the Ashes 1965

Starring: Ingrid Thulin, Maximilian Schell and Samantha Eggar

It's 1945 and we have European people on a train, there's a snot-nosed brat who keeps hitting the door and making an obnoxious noise. Would someone please make him stop or throw him out of the tra... never mind the kid opened the door and physics solved that problem!

What's this? A clearly traumatized lady in a near catatonic state isn't shirking in horror over what just happened and the other passengers are judging her obvious lack of emotion until they see the tattooed numbers on her arm. That's right you assholes, this lady just survived a death camp! And it wasn't one of those fun Hogan's Heroes type death camps either! 

Seriously though, who thought that was a good idea for a television show? More importantly, what the fuck was wrong with the people who watched it? 

She booked a room in a shabby little French hotel?? And she has money to pay for it? This seems kind of wrong. How would she have money for the hotel room? Now she's placing a call, it would do her good to let a friend or a family member know that she survived and to maybe come to pick her up. Some guy we can't see answers the phone and some girl is with him so she hangs up real quick. 

Now for the flashback sequence that explains all. The lady's name is Michelle and the man who answered the phone is her husband Stan. I guess their meeting is considered a meet-cute for the chess crowd. Michelle sees Stan sitting alone at a chessboard and offers to play three rounds with him for thirty francs each. 

Who knew chess could be so titillating?

While she's good, Stan is better and he wins all three rounds, Michelle is wealthy and needs change for her one hundred francs while Stan is poverty-stricken and has no change. She takes him out for a drink he takes her back to his cliched poor person Parisian flat and shows off the cat he plans on eating for dinner someday soon. They also have what I supposed is a kinky discussion about The Brothers Karamazov and Ivan's theory that if there is no God then morality does not exist. That's the brother Stan crushes on. All of this charms Michelle and thus starts the courtship of Michelle's money.

"Rough and Ready Butt Sluts" Dostoevsky's pen really was touched by God!

Stan has dreams of becoming an international grand chess master and now he has a new dream of spending Michelle's money. Oh, there's some mention of a stepdaughter that Michelle badly neglected. 

Where is Michelle's sassy gay friend to point out all that is wrong with this scenario? Wait a minute, she does have a good friend named Charles who keeps telling her the truth and she keeps refusing to listen. She's supposed to be an intelligent woman, I guess even the most intelligent woman is still stupid enough to let a shiftless man who uses too much Pomade in his hair walk all over her. 

How do I love thee? I love thee bishop's knight to queen five. That's how.

Finally, the Nazi bastards occupy France, and Michelle, who is Jewish, is in danger of being rounded up. Stan declares that he will never leave her or her money and proposes to her. Michelle wishes he was doing it out of love and not out of rebellion, but is still dumb enough to accept. Just as they are leaving wherever it is the French go to get quickie onesided marriages she gets taken away.

This is awkward, but I need the key to your flat before you go. 

So, let me get this straight. She spends the past five years in Dachau struggling to survive to come back to Stan? Really? Greasy oily Stan who's currently fucking her bratty stepdaughter? Oh, honey. 

Of course, Michelle goes under the knife to look her pre-detained best for Stan. One day while Michelle is out and about with a hideous new hair don't her bratty stepdaughter, Fabi, sees her and thinks "That lady sure looks like my neglectful stepmother. Hmmm, I've got it, I'll hatch a plan with her and Stan to get my stepmother's millions! I mean she's long dead and doesn't need them, right?" Wrong.

This is stupid. I get that Stan thinks that she's dead but he should be able to recognize her voice and her eyes. But then again it did seem like he paid more attention to his hair than he did to her.  Goddamnit, Stan is insulting Michelle straight to her face thinking she's someone else and she still wants the oily bastard! Slap him, Michelle! No,  don't play along with them! She does until she decides to blink first. 

Stan is shocked then he plays the guilt game telling her how cruel it was to make him and Fabi think that she was dead. Motherfucker says what? After the death camps were liberated you'd think that concerned husband Stan would have tried to find a way to learn her fate? Nope, he was too busy fucking Fabi and living in her home rent-free. 

No, Michelle, that's just a rook in his pocket, he has never been happy to see you without your money.

Welp, the dumb Dora just fell for it and moved back into her home. Now Fabi is stomping around the place and yelling at Michelle and at Stan. Are we sure that Stan is really as good at chess as they want us to believe? Because he's really bad at the game they're playing. Instead of insisting that Michelle kick Fabi out so they could have time together and rebuild their marriage, he thinks it's a good idea that all three of them live under the same roof. He could still have Fabi and Michelle's money. 

One night while out with Charles at a really fancy restaurant Michelle returns to find Stan leaving Fabi's room in his robe and then Fabi coming out to tell him to bring more Champagne. Now Fabi is yelling that she's glad Michelle knows and I am too. Now maybe Michelle will wake up. Nope, Stan plays the "boo hoo you're torturing me by leaving me and I am miserable without you and Fabi means nothing to me" card.

Upon her return to her home, Michelle tells Fabi that she's going to find her a nice place to live and that Stan does not love Fabi but neither does he love her. The next day Fabi comes up with a plan to kill her horrible stepmother who's willing to pay her way in life. How so you ask? By rigging the safe with a gun to shoot first and ask questions never!

Later that night Fabi gets drunk on booze, swallows some pills, and slips into a tube of hot water. Stan comes in and talks to her for a bit then starts to lick her hand, arm, toes, and feet. 

A farewell to legs.

After he's good and sure Fabi has passed out, he pulls her under and she drowns. Now Stan doesn't have to share. 

Now Stan goes off to some chess match, makes an ass out of himself for an alibi, and then calls Michelle to get her to open the safe. 

Don't worry, Michelle doesn't die. Her good friend Charles was there to save her and now Stan is carted off to the guillotine.

And to think, I let you pet my pussy before I ate it.

 This film felt icky and exploitative but not in a fun way.

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