The devil likes them young

In search of Halloween thrills chills and scares I decided to read The Exorcist, a book that I thought for certain would make me piss myself. I mainly thought this because the film adaptation is something I cannot watch. Anytime I see a clip of it featuring Linda Blair in monster face I cry and have to sleep with a rosary under my pillow for months on end. After many years of debating wether or not to read it, I decided to go for it because I can visualize the characters anyway I want. 

I expected something more from this book, I honestly expected to be scared and have to sleep with the lights on but it didn't scare me. Instead of fear I felt boredom and irritation. I was so bored at times I actually fell asleep in the middle of reading sentences, I was irritated in general over how stupid and mundane it was. 

The build up to Regan's possession wasn't eventful, we got a few tapping noises and some moved furniture and pissing on the living room floor in front of party guests. What we don't get is why Regan? Why was she chosen by the demon for possession? If there was an explanation I don't remember it, it had to be more than just because she was playing with an ouija board. The demon wasn't very original when it came to insults, piglet and sow just don't cut it. I think if the demon spoke in Latin and only in Latin it would have made it creepier. Just imagine you have this evil looking little girl strapped to her bed, she's shouting in her demonic voice things at you that you can't understand and in a language you never heard before. All of the vomit spitting shitting and farting was excessive, I don't see how bodily functions are scary, gross yes, but scary, no. 

The possession of a tweenaged girl is fertile ground for psychological terror, imagine where you could go with that? 

I'm truly disappointed that this book didn't scare me, I found it to be too ridiculous to be frightened by it. I guess I just find real life to be scarier than anything a writer can come up with. 

Get behind thee Boredom

Here are some blurbs on the back of Legion.

"I devoured Legion in one terrified gulp. It even manages to out spook The Exorcist."- Los Angeles Times

"Heartbeat-skipping horror. Read Legion only on a sunny day."- Cosmopolitan 

"Ten times better than The Exorcist ... The suspense is breathtaking, and the ideas dark, deadly, and fascinating." The Cleveland Plain Dealer

So what the fuck what I reading? These blurbs are full of lies lies lies! Lies I say. 

This book is not scary, not terrifying and didn't really make much sense.

The story centers on Detective Kinderman, a real mensch, he reads books like Waiting for Godot, he questions the nature of God and why evil exists he loves old movies. He's Jewish liberally uses Yiddish loves his family and he's friends with Catholic priests. He's just all around swell, well read and smart. He gets assigned to a murder of a young boy who was crucified onto boat paddles then he has to deal with the murder of two priests. The suspects are a long dead serial killer a near catatonic old lady a dying neurologist and a chauvinistic asshole of a psychiatrist.  

I guess what makes this book so terrifying is that some evil force took possession of a dead priest who ended up in a psych ward as a John Doe bided its time then somehow manipulates these people into murdering people for it. The reason for these murders is because the long dead killer, the Gemini killer, has daddy issues and wants revenge and the evil force has scores to settle. 

This book left me bored and scratching my head, I felt a disconnect with the characters, especially the dying neurologist and his experiments with EVP and the sudden appearance of his "double". I really failed to see the point of that subplot. I felt the last few chapters were nothing more than a slapdash clusterfuck pieced together for the sole purpose to tie these characters and subplots together. 

Don't believe the blurbs on the back of this book and pick up something else to read.