Never Trust A Man Who Eats Cats

Return from the Ashes 1965

Starring: Ingrid Thulin, Maximilian Schell and Samantha Eggar

It's 1945 and we have European people on a train, there's a snot-nosed brat who keeps hitting the door and making an obnoxious noise. Would someone please make him stop or throw him out of the tra... never mind the kid opened the door and physics solved that problem!

What's this? A clearly traumatized lady in a near catatonic state isn't shirking in horror over what just happened and the other passengers are judging her obvious lack of emotion until they see the tattooed numbers on her arm. That's right you assholes, this lady just survived a death camp! And it wasn't one of those fun Hogan's Heroes type death camps either! 

Seriously though, who thought that was a good idea for a television show? More importantly, what the fuck was wrong with the people who watched it? 

She booked a room in a shabby little French hotel?? And she has money to pay for it? This seems kind of wrong. How would she have money for the hotel room? Now she's placing a call, it would do her good to let a friend or a family member know that she survived and to maybe come to pick her up. Some guy we can't see answers the phone and some girl is with him so she hangs up real quick. 

Now for the flashback sequence that explains all. The lady's name is Michelle and the man who answered the phone is her husband Stan. I guess their meeting is considered a meet-cute for the chess crowd. Michelle sees Stan sitting alone at a chessboard and offers to play three rounds with him for thirty francs each. 

Who knew chess could be so titillating?

While she's good, Stan is better and he wins all three rounds, Michelle is wealthy and needs change for her one hundred francs while Stan is poverty-stricken and has no change. She takes him out for a drink he takes her back to his cliched poor person Parisian flat and shows off the cat he plans on eating for dinner someday soon. They also have what I supposed is a kinky discussion about The Brothers Karamazov and Ivan's theory that if there is no God then morality does not exist. That's the brother Stan crushes on. All of this charms Michelle and thus starts the courtship of Michelle's money.

"Rough and Ready Butt Sluts" Dostoevsky's pen really was touched by God!

Stan has dreams of becoming an international grand chess master and now he has a new dream of spending Michelle's money. Oh, there's some mention of a stepdaughter that Michelle badly neglected. 

Where is Michelle's sassy gay friend to point out all that is wrong with this scenario? Wait a minute, she does have a good friend named Charles who keeps telling her the truth and she keeps refusing to listen. She's supposed to be an intelligent woman, I guess even the most intelligent woman is still stupid enough to let a shiftless man who uses too much Pomade in his hair walk all over her. 

How do I love thee? I love thee bishop's knight to queen five. That's how.

Finally, the Nazi bastards occupy France, and Michelle, who is Jewish, is in danger of being rounded up. Stan declares that he will never leave her or her money and proposes to her. Michelle wishes he was doing it out of love and not out of rebellion, but is still dumb enough to accept. Just as they are leaving wherever it is the French go to get quickie onesided marriages she gets taken away.

This is awkward, but I need the key to your flat before you go. 

So, let me get this straight. She spends the past five years in Dachau struggling to survive to come back to Stan? Really? Greasy oily Stan who's currently fucking her bratty stepdaughter? Oh, honey. 

Of course, Michelle goes under the knife to look her pre-detained best for Stan. One day while Michelle is out and about with a hideous new hair don't her bratty stepdaughter, Fabi, sees her and thinks "That lady sure looks like my neglectful stepmother. Hmmm, I've got it, I'll hatch a plan with her and Stan to get my stepmother's millions! I mean she's long dead and doesn't need them, right?" Wrong.

This is stupid. I get that Stan thinks that she's dead but he should be able to recognize her voice and her eyes. But then again it did seem like he paid more attention to his hair than he did to her.  Goddamnit, Stan is insulting Michelle straight to her face thinking she's someone else and she still wants the oily bastard! Slap him, Michelle! No,  don't play along with them! She does until she decides to blink first. 

Stan is shocked then he plays the guilt game telling her how cruel it was to make him and Fabi think that she was dead. Motherfucker says what? After the death camps were liberated you'd think that concerned husband Stan would have tried to find a way to learn her fate? Nope, he was too busy fucking Fabi and living in her home rent-free. 

No, Michelle, that's just a rook in his pocket, he has never been happy to see you without your money.

Welp, the dumb Dora just fell for it and moved back into her home. Now Fabi is stomping around the place and yelling at Michelle and at Stan. Are we sure that Stan is really as good at chess as they want us to believe? Because he's really bad at the game they're playing. Instead of insisting that Michelle kick Fabi out so they could have time together and rebuild their marriage, he thinks it's a good idea that all three of them live under the same roof. He could still have Fabi and Michelle's money. 

One night while out with Charles at a really fancy restaurant Michelle returns to find Stan leaving Fabi's room in his robe and then Fabi coming out to tell him to bring more Champagne. Now Fabi is yelling that she's glad Michelle knows and I am too. Now maybe Michelle will wake up. Nope, Stan plays the "boo hoo you're torturing me by leaving me and I am miserable without you and Fabi means nothing to me" card.

Upon her return to her home, Michelle tells Fabi that she's going to find her a nice place to live and that Stan does not love Fabi but neither does he love her. The next day Fabi comes up with a plan to kill her horrible stepmother who's willing to pay her way in life. How so you ask? By rigging the safe with a gun to shoot first and ask questions never!

Later that night Fabi gets drunk on booze, swallows some pills, and slips into a tube of hot water. Stan comes in and talks to her for a bit then starts to lick her hand, arm, toes, and feet. 

A farewell to legs.

After he's good and sure Fabi has passed out, he pulls her under and she drowns. Now Stan doesn't have to share. 

Now Stan goes off to some chess match, makes an ass out of himself for an alibi, and then calls Michelle to get her to open the safe. 

Don't worry, Michelle doesn't die. Her good friend Charles was there to save her and now Stan is carted off to the guillotine.

And to think, I let you pet my pussy before I ate it.

 This film felt icky and exploitative but not in a fun way.

Amazon Prime

And He Still Didn't End a Sentence With "See"

 Scarlet Street 1945

Starring Edward G. Robinson, Joan Bennett, Dan Duryea 

Now for a movie, I cannot snark on. 

This is a surprisingly good movie with a fine performance from Robinson. 

Robinson plays the quiet and gentle Christopher Cross whose true joy in life is painting. His life will take an unfortunate turn when late one night he stops to help a prostitute, named Kitty, played by Joan Bennett, who's being beaten by her pimp/boyfriend, Johnny, played by Dan Duryea. Okay, because of the Hays code in this version, she's not a prostitute but is more of a lazy opportunist but the visuals are there to let you know what she really is.

After Kitty's pimp flees, Chris takes her out for a coffee, which turns into a drink and he immediately becomes smitten. He tells her about his painting and when she tells him he must be a rich artist he never corrects her. He asks if he can give her a call and in an obvious brush off she tells him that she doesn't have a phone so he asks if he can write her she points to the building number and says "There's the address". 

When Johnny finds a letter that Chris has written to Kitty she tells him that Chris is a rich artist and Johnny enacts a plan to get money out of the poor lovesick sap and this will lead to murder.

As I said, Robinson really does give a fine performance. His Christopher Cross is a simple and kind man who doesn't expect much out of life. He's married to a horrible hateful woman whom he only married because he didn't want to be alone. Painting is the only thing that makes him happy, well that's until he meets Kitty.  Dan Duryea also does a good job of making Johnny Prince so despicable that when he finally meets his fate you feel a sense of schadenfreude. Joan Bennett plays Kitty as a lazy selfish woman who will go wherever Johnny leads her and it works.

This film is based on the French novel La Chienne written by Georges de La Fouchardiere. There's also a French version that I would love to see. 

You can stream Scarlet Street on Tubi and Pluto and I'm sure you can find it on Youtube as well.

The three leads also appeared together in The Woman in the Window. Now that's a movie I can snark on. 

Masters of None

Masters of the Universe 1987

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Courtney Cox, Meg Foster, Billy Barty, and Christina Pickles?? 

The opening narration gives us directions to Castle Grayskull. Quick, someone give them to Elon Musk! Maybe he can hop onto his crotch rocket and get lost.

Here comes Skeletor thumping his staff in what I suspect is supposed to be an impressive grand entrance? Well, it wasn't. 

That Skeletor mask they have him wearing is of poor quality. If they would have waited some 30 years later they they could have made a better mask from a mold of Marc Anthony's face.

I ❤He-Man

J.Lo's Throw Away

Enter Meg Foster and those creepy eyes of hers playing a character named Evil-Lyn. She's kissing up to Skeletor telling him that they won and blah blah blah that everything is now theirs for the taking but Skeletor is like "Not so fast Tom Ryan!" Stupid bitch! You really thought that Skeletor was going to share Castle Grayskull and Eternia with you? He might be hitting it from behind but that doesn't mean he'll share anything with you other than super gonorrhea. I think she's in an abusive relationship with him. I hope they have a Women's Resource Center in Eternia. It really sucks that women in fantasy are still abused and have less power than their male counterparts. 

Skeletor is bored with her so now he turns his attention to his prisoner, the Sorceress of Grayskull played by Christina Pickles?? She must have needed a quick check because she is not feeling it and is delivering her lines like an unprepared Shriner shuffling through his index cards at the podium. After some awkward back and forth this takes a strange turn, both Skeletor and Sorceress look like they're both getting sexual pleasure from Skeletor shocking her. Evil-Lyn is getting off on it too.

Skeletor is a hologram now informing the people of Eternia that he won and to bow down to him or else! I wish hologram Tupac would shoot a cap in his ass.

Skeletor's army, who suspiciously looks like all of the Storm Troopers had unprotected sex with Cobra Commander, are rounding up the remaining rebels. Bahahahahaha, one of Skeletor's men steps on a big rock and stumbles. The guy in front of him turns around like "Are you okay there, Bob?". Either the editors really hated this movie and wanted to fuck with the head honchos to see if they noticed or they were doing lines of coke with Dolph. I think they were all doing lines of coke.

Finally, we have He-Man! Look at that glorious bleached blonde mullet, those ham, and eggs they call pectorals, and that leather diaper! Dolph looks more like he's trying to remember if it's one protein shake for breakfast and a sensible meal or a light breakfast and then a protein shake at lunch more than he is worrying that Skeletor declared himself ruler of Eternia. 

After some more looking around and looking confused as to why he's there and what he's supposed to be doing He-Man runs into some of Skeletor's men. After some uninspired fighting his friends show up. Teela, oddly enough the actress who plays Teela looks like a Teela, and her father Man-At-Arms helps save the day. 

They save a creature named Gwildor or something like that. Why is Teela being a cunt to him? Maybe it has something to do with that strip of leather between her butt cheeks. Gwildor looks like Leprechaun from Leprechaun got drunk one night and had a threesome with a hobbit and a garden gnome 

I told you so!

This creature is a master locksmith and Skeletor wants him because he invented something called a cosmic key that opens portals to other places and worlds. So we know where this is going... 

Since the bad guys are at the door they swing on by Castle Grayskull where Christina Pickles looks like she is suffering some sort of morning-after shame. Okay, this is taking a turn towards the homoerotic when He-Man tells Skeletor that it's him that he really wants not Sorceress. Okay, if He-Man and Skeletor don't start making out can we cut to another scene? 

This fight scene is ridiculous. They're just standing around jerking their heads at imaginary laser beams and lazily flailing their arms. 

They finally make their escape and land on earth and Gwildor conveniently loses the part of the cosmic key that works.  I'm fully checked out thinking about other things like work, payday, and dinner. 

Finally, we have Courtney Cox, whom I'm sure thought this was going to be a big franchise for her,  is working at some chicken and rib joint but this is her last day. She's moving to Jersey. 

Her boyfriend, who drives an "if this van is a rocking" kind of van, picks her up for their last date. Okay, this scene only exists to let you know who these two are. 

Wow, these two sure know how to have a good time. Driving around in a rape van, listening to "Living In A Box" eating chicken and ribs, bickering about their relationship status and going to visit her parents, her dead parents that is!

Okay, I'm watching "Masters of the Universe" not "James at 15" so let us just move this along.  Courtney and Boyfriend find the working part of the cosmic key, Boyfriend thinks it's a Japanese keyboard so he keeps dicking around with it and this helps Skeletor locate He-Man so Skeletor sends some evil henchman after them. Courtney and Boyfriend are suddenly at their high school gym which looks like is decorated for senior prom? I thought they were twentysomethings, anywhore, Boyfriend goes to see a friend at the music store about the Japanese keyboard and cue the bad guys.

Skeletor's henchman show up out of nowhere and start to harass Courtney,  she starts screaming for them to get out of there and leave her alone as she runs around the gym. I'm waiting for Yakkity Sax to start. She gets out of the gym to run down a dark alley where she meets He-Man who saves her. And just like that the bad guys give up? These are the battle-hardened mercenaries that Skeletor chose? Skeletor is gonna be big mad.

Just as I thought, Skeletor is pissed that he didn't get the cosmic key or He-Man. He's so pissed that he blasts the lizard man into the ether. I'm sure that lizard man would have stolen his mother's heating rock if Skeletor asked him to. Evil-Lyn just had to open her mouth to keep him from killing the other three so he shoves her. He's forcing her to go back to Earth with them to find He-Man and the cosmic key. The abuse is just going to get worse, leave while you still can! 

Back on earth, the police and fire department are headed to the scene at the high school gym. Boyfriend attracts the attention of the bald cop. Gee, I wonder where this is going? Blah blah blah, real boring stuff happens, the bad guys find Boyfriend and put a hypno collar on him to find out where the cosmic key is, but don't worry, Courtney and crew save him. I'm sure you were wringing your hands over it. Courtney assures Boyfriend that He-Man and crew are her friends, but how does she really know that? She could have escaped The Hillside Strangler and jumped into Ted Bundy's VW.

So now we have a battle scene at the music store for the cosmic key. This battle is boring, the only people dying are the disposable bad guys.  Laser beams are flying around everywhere and He-Man just deflects them with his sword or by ducking. Dolph can barely contain his lack of enthusiasm for being there. He's the living embodiment of "whatever".

At this point, my brain has shut down and I'm wondering why I'm watching this and wishing that the storyline would just move along.

Evil-Lyn finally gets the cosmic key through trickery and Skeletor finally joins the party on his flying throne. 

Hahahaha, they have guards on flying hoverboards and it looks like something out of Plan 9. He-Man jumps on a hoverboard and it looks like someone took a small cardboard cut of Dolph and glued it to the end of a pencil eraser and is moving it around to look like it's flying. In "It's a trap!" moment, Skeletor captures He-Man and Courtney gets shot in the leg and instantly gets gangrene. 

Skeletor whisks He-Man away and leaves the others stranded on planet Earth. Don't worry Teela, Burger King is always hiring and if Courtney recovers she can be a reference. Burger King did pin their hopes on this celluloid tragedy with a tie-in. 

Back in Eternia, things start to heat up. Skeletor wants He-Man on his knees! Whip it out, Skeletor, make this movie finally worth watching! Boo! He-Man refuses and gets whipped. 

I don't care what happens on Earth. I can see Boyfriend is already composing reasons as to why they can't stay in his van. No, no, no! Boyfriend is not a master songwriter so stop telling him that, creature-type thingy person. I wonder where this going...

Yay (lazy sarcasm), Boyfriend opens a portal to Castle Grayskull and they save He-Man. This has suddenly turned into a Star Wars rip-off. He-Man and Skeletor have a sword staff battle, and guess who wins?

Okay, Skeletor is dead, evil has been defeated, Courtney's leg has been healed, Sorceress has been saved and the bald cop guy is going to stay in Eternia? This makes absolutely no sense. Bald cop guy is suddenly wearing robes and has an Eternia bimbo at his side. Did he go out for a stroll during the epic battle for Grayskull and wander into a brothel or something. What the hell? Okay, let's just say our goodbyes already.

What an odd film, Dolph Lundgren was so checked out during this film that I'm 100% certain that this was a " just for the coke money." check. I wonder how pissed Courtney and the others were that this didn't turn into a successful franchise. 

 

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