Masters of None

Masters of the Universe 1987

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Courtney Cox, Meg Foster, Billy Barty, and Christina Pickles?? 

The opening narration gives us directions to Castle Grayskull. Quick, someone give them to Elon Musk! Maybe he can hop onto his crotch rocket and get lost.

Here comes Skeletor thumping his staff in what I suspect is supposed to be an impressive grand entrance? Well, it wasn't. 

That Skeletor mask they have him wearing is of poor quality. If they would have waited some 30 years later they they could have made a better mask from a mold of Marc Anthony's face.

I ❤He-Man

J.Lo's Throw Away

Enter Meg Foster and those creepy eyes of hers playing a character named Evil-Lyn. She's kissing up to Skeletor telling him that they won and blah blah blah that everything is now theirs for the taking but Skeletor is like "Not so fast Tom Ryan!" Stupid bitch! You really thought that Skeletor was going to share Castle Grayskull and Eternia with you? He might be hitting it from behind but that doesn't mean he'll share anything with you other than super gonorrhea. I think she's in an abusive relationship with him. I hope they have a Women's Resource Center in Eternia. It really sucks that women in fantasy are still abused and have less power than their male counterparts. 

Skeletor is bored with her so now he turns his attention to his prisoner, the Sorceress of Grayskull played by Christina Pickles?? She must have needed a quick check because she is not feeling it and is delivering her lines like an unprepared Shriner shuffling through his index cards at the podium. After some awkward back and forth this takes a strange turn, both Skeletor and Sorceress look like they're both getting sexual pleasure from Skeletor shocking her. Evil-Lyn is getting off on it too.

Skeletor is a hologram now informing the people of Eternia that he won and to bow down to him or else! I wish hologram Tupac would shoot a cap in his ass.

Skeletor's army, who suspiciously looks like all of the Storm Troopers had unprotected sex with Cobra Commander, are rounding up the remaining rebels. Bahahahahaha, one of Skeletor's men steps on a big rock and stumbles. The guy in front of him turns around like "Are you okay there, Bob?". Either the editors really hated this movie and wanted to fuck with the head honchos to see if they noticed or they were doing lines of coke with Dolph. I think they were all doing lines of coke.

Finally, we have He-Man! Look at that glorious bleached blonde mullet, those ham, and eggs they call pectorals, and that leather diaper! Dolph looks more like he's trying to remember if it's one protein shake for breakfast and a sensible meal or a light breakfast and then a protein shake at lunch more than he is worrying that Skeletor declared himself ruler of Eternia. 

After some more looking around and looking confused as to why he's there and what he's supposed to be doing He-Man runs into some of Skeletor's men. After some uninspired fighting his friends show up. Teela, oddly enough the actress who plays Teela looks like a Teela, and her father Man-At-Arms helps save the day. 

They save a creature named Gwildor or something like that. Why is Teela being a cunt to him? Maybe it has something to do with that strip of leather between her butt cheeks. Gwildor looks like Leprechaun from Leprechaun got drunk one night and had a threesome with a hobbit and a garden gnome 

I told you so!

This creature is a master locksmith and Skeletor wants him because he invented something called a cosmic key that opens portals to other places and worlds. So we know where this is going... 

Since the bad guys are at the door they swing on by Castle Grayskull where Christina Pickles looks like she is suffering some sort of morning-after shame. Okay, this is taking a turn towards the homoerotic when He-Man tells Skeletor that it's him that he really wants not Sorceress. Okay, if He-Man and Skeletor don't start making out can we cut to another scene? 

This fight scene is ridiculous. They're just standing around jerking their heads at imaginary laser beams and lazily flailing their arms. 

They finally make their escape and land on earth and Gwildor conveniently loses the part of the cosmic key that works.  I'm fully checked out thinking about other things like work, payday, and dinner. 

Finally, we have Courtney Cox, whom I'm sure thought this was going to be a big franchise for her,  is working at some chicken and rib joint but this is her last day. She's moving to Jersey. 

Her boyfriend, who drives an "if this van is a rocking" kind of van, picks her up for their last date. Okay, this scene only exists to let you know who these two are. 

Wow, these two sure know how to have a good time. Driving around in a rape van, listening to "Living In A Box" eating chicken and ribs, bickering about their relationship status and going to visit her parents, her dead parents that is!

Okay, I'm watching "Masters of the Universe" not "James at 15" so let us just move this along.  Courtney and Boyfriend find the working part of the cosmic key, Boyfriend thinks it's a Japanese keyboard so he keeps dicking around with it and this helps Skeletor locate He-Man so Skeletor sends some evil henchman after them. Courtney and Boyfriend are suddenly at their high school gym which looks like is decorated for senior prom? I thought they were twentysomethings, anywhore, Boyfriend goes to see a friend at the music store about the Japanese keyboard and cue the bad guys.

Skeletor's henchman show up out of nowhere and start to harass Courtney,  she starts screaming for them to get out of there and leave her alone as she runs around the gym. I'm waiting for Yakkity Sax to start. She gets out of the gym to run down a dark alley where she meets He-Man who saves her. And just like that the bad guys give up? These are the battle-hardened mercenaries that Skeletor chose? Skeletor is gonna be big mad.

Just as I thought, Skeletor is pissed that he didn't get the cosmic key or He-Man. He's so pissed that he blasts the lizard man into the ether. I'm sure that lizard man would have stolen his mother's heating rock if Skeletor asked him to. Evil-Lyn just had to open her mouth to keep him from killing the other three so he shoves her. He's forcing her to go back to Earth with them to find He-Man and the cosmic key. The abuse is just going to get worse, leave while you still can! 

Back on earth, the police and fire department are headed to the scene at the high school gym. Boyfriend attracts the attention of the bald cop. Gee, I wonder where this is going? Blah blah blah, real boring stuff happens, the bad guys find Boyfriend and put a hypno collar on him to find out where the cosmic key is, but don't worry, Courtney and crew save him. I'm sure you were wringing your hands over it. Courtney assures Boyfriend that He-Man and crew are her friends, but how does she really know that? She could have escaped The Hillside Strangler and jumped into Ted Bundy's VW.

So now we have a battle scene at the music store for the cosmic key. This battle is boring, the only people dying are the disposable bad guys.  Laser beams are flying around everywhere and He-Man just deflects them with his sword or by ducking. Dolph can barely contain his lack of enthusiasm for being there. He's the living embodiment of "whatever".

At this point, my brain has shut down and I'm wondering why I'm watching this and wishing that the storyline would just move along.

Evil-Lyn finally gets the cosmic key through trickery and Skeletor finally joins the party on his flying throne. 

Hahahaha, they have guards on flying hoverboards and it looks like something out of Plan 9. He-Man jumps on a hoverboard and it looks like someone took a small cardboard cut of Dolph and glued it to the end of a pencil eraser and is moving it around to look like it's flying. In "It's a trap!" moment, Skeletor captures He-Man and Courtney gets shot in the leg and instantly gets gangrene. 

Skeletor whisks He-Man away and leaves the others stranded on planet Earth. Don't worry Teela, Burger King is always hiring and if Courtney recovers she can be a reference. Burger King did pin their hopes on this celluloid tragedy with a tie-in. 

Back in Eternia, things start to heat up. Skeletor wants He-Man on his knees! Whip it out, Skeletor, make this movie finally worth watching! Boo! He-Man refuses and gets whipped. 

I don't care what happens on Earth. I can see Boyfriend is already composing reasons as to why they can't stay in his van. No, no, no! Boyfriend is not a master songwriter so stop telling him that, creature-type thingy person. I wonder where this going...

Yay (lazy sarcasm), Boyfriend opens a portal to Castle Grayskull and they save He-Man. This has suddenly turned into a Star Wars rip-off. He-Man and Skeletor have a sword staff battle, and guess who wins?

Okay, Skeletor is dead, evil has been defeated, Courtney's leg has been healed, Sorceress has been saved and the bald cop guy is going to stay in Eternia? This makes absolutely no sense. Bald cop guy is suddenly wearing robes and has an Eternia bimbo at his side. Did he go out for a stroll during the epic battle for Grayskull and wander into a brothel or something. What the hell? Okay, let's just say our goodbyes already.

What an odd film, Dolph Lundgren was so checked out during this film that I'm 100% certain that this was a " just for the coke money." check. I wonder how pissed Courtney and the others were that this didn't turn into a successful franchise. 

 

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Set the Night on Fire and Spark Up a J, Lambada!

Lambada is a bad movie, want to know how bad it really is? It's so bad that it's IMDB page doesn't have a cast or crew list. I guess all parties involved want to forget this abomination of cinema. That sucks for them, but for me it made some great movie watching! 

Lambada is so bad, it's good, it's stupid and funny in that unintentional way that makes bad movies so great. The cast is low star to no star and the plot is ridiculous. I'm amazed this film ever got made. 

J. Eddie Peck (he played Cole on The Young and the Restless in the mid to late 90s) stars as Kevin Laird a nerdy hot math teacher at a snotty Beverly Hills high school, unfortunately he doesn't teach the teens of Beverly Hills Teens but he does teach some of the oldest look teenagers since Beverly Hills 90210 or Welcome Back Kotter. Two of the better known teens are played by Melora Hardin who would later go onto play Jan in the painfully unfunny and completely inferior American remake of The Office, she was Michael Scott's boss then later girlfriend, and Ricky Paull (I can't with that extra L) Goldin, star of various bad TV movies co-starring Yasmine Bleeth and several different soap operas, play two of his snotty rich kid students. But who gives a fuck about these virtual nobodies because it also stars Shabba Doo! That's right, Shabba Motherfucking Doo from Breakin! 

Dance, Shabba Doo, Dance!

Peck's Kevin Laird has a double life, during the day he's a mild manner nerdy math teacher, at night he is the studly black tank top, black pants, black leather jacket wearing motorcycle driving good doer who teaches a bunch of high school drop outs to get their GEDs and does some of that sinful Lambada dancing on the side. 

Sorry, but I couldn't find footage of J. Eddie Peck dancing with a random skank

While Mr. Laird is out teaching/dancing two of his Beverly Hills students, Sandy and Dean, are on a date. Sandy catches Dean getting some dirty slut dress wearing bimbo's digits and breaks it off. As fate would have it she meets a classmate who is on a date with twins, they go to the latest and hottest night club on the East side, No Man's Land. There Sandy spies Mr. Laird dancing the lambada and the basement floods. Sandy now has her sights set on tapping that ass and starts stalking him and having lustful daydreams like the following. 

I just love motorcycle dancing, don't you? Sandy has it bad, so bad that her constant stalking him is going to endanger his job, reputation and teaching his Galaxy High School group to help them get their GEDs. Damn, Sandy! Meanwhile Dean is desperate to get Sandy back and he further endangers Mr. Lairds good works. Spoiled rich kids. 

Kevin Laird is a good guy, he loves his 47 year old looking wife who seems to have lock jaw, seriously, she mumbles everything, and teaches his son valuable lessons such as you never call someone of Hispanic descent a greaser because he was called a greaser as a child and it's just racist. Turns out Mr. Laird was really born Carlos Gutierrez, he was adopted after his parents died when he was young. At home and at school he's Mr. White Guy and when he is at the club he's known at Blade and wears a knife earring and is one cool ass homie. 

Mr. Laird has more problems than just Sandy and Dean, at the club a guy named Ramone (that's Shabba Doo to me and you, bitches!) doesn't like Blade's lambada dancing/teaching ways. He tells his girl that she doesn't need school and neither does he. I'm going to throw it out there, never take life advice from someone who dresses like this:

Damn, internet, why you messing with my post?

Damn it, I can't find a picture, but he wears white pants and a red sash as a belt. Okay, so what I'm saying is never take life advice from a man who dresses like a pirate who's style idol is Miami Vice's Sonny Crocket. But deep down you know that Ramone wants to learn, he's just waiting for someone to teach him a life lesson first, and does he ever learn it.

Ramone also gets a math lesson but that's not nearly as exciting as trying to knife some guy you thought was just a white prick. Life and math lessons learned Ramone is slowly starting to see the light, but he still has one more mistake to make. He drops the dime to Dean as to where Blade went. Dean thinks that Sandy and Laird are boning and Ramone just wants to spoil Blade's plans because he's still hateful even though he really wants to be one of Blade's students deep down inside. Sandy learns from following Mr. Laird to the high school after hours what he's really up to, which is giving the disadvantaged 20-30 something year olds a practice GED test. Doesn't she feel like an idiot? She immediately loses her lady boner for Laird because he's not the sleaze she thinks he is. Dean rounds up a posse of his follow rich douchebags students and Ramone gathers up some of his fellow wrong side of the barrio friends and a brawl breaks out on the school grounds. Mr. Laird loses his job and his two worlds collide when the two classes must compete in a math quiz bowl so he can keep his job. And the winner is.... Galaxy High, but of course. 

This movie suffers from an identity crisis, does it want to be a dance movie, a movie touting the benefits of getting an education, a steamy forbidden teacher/student romance, a movie about a whacky gang of high schoolers who like to dance, a movie with a very soft finger wagging message against racism and classism? The only thing I'm certain of is that it fails on all levels, as a comedy it succeeds but just barely. 

Lambada has some strange scenes. In one scene Mr. Laird's snooty Beverly Hills class have dance fever and start dancing in class while he returns some pilfered books from the school's library.

No, I couldn't find a clip on Youtube, those bastards!

Dosie Dough rich teens of Beverly Hills

Lambada is a movie that one has to see to believe an experienced not to be missed it's the better of the two lambada themed movies from the early 90s. I've watched it sober twice, but if you don't have the stomach I do for bad films then watch it while in an altered stat. My point is, just watch it.

*Lifting up the skirt of the night

We've all watched a crap film devoid of discernible plot and storyline, more than likely those are independent movies not big budget heavily marketed films from a major studio, but Nightcrawler starring Jake Gyllenhaal is one of those films. 

Jake Gyllenhaal plays Louis Bloom, a gaunt faced bugged eyed creep. Something is obviously wrong with the man but we don't know what exactly. Is he socially inept? A sociopath? A psychopath? Or is he riding a ray on the autism spectrum? The film opens with Louis breaking into a train yard and being confronted by security, you know that Louis is a bad dude when he attacks the security guard for his watch. After selling his stolen goods he's just driving around when he pulls over to watch two police officers pull a car crash victim out of her car just as the car catches fire. He then meets a stringer also known as a nightcrawler played by Bill Paxton who films the incident to sell to a local news station. Louis decides he can do that too and buys a cheap camera and police scanner. 

The rest of the film is of Louis finding gruesome events to film and sell to the news director of a low rated station. He also uses his lack of a conscience to force the news director (played by Renee Russo who I mistakenly thought was Michelle Pfeiffer at first) he sells his footage to into a sexual relationship and to sabotage his competitor by tampering with his van. 

Louis' lack of empathy comes to head when he films two people feeing a house after a murder and then goes inside to film the crime scene footage. He then uses the footage of the two murderers to track them down and set them up for a violent confrontation with the police just to film exclusive footage of their arrest.

There isn't much more to it, oh I forgot there is a teeny tiny bit about the police snooping around Louis asking how he got the footage of the murder victims. Instead of a film it feels more like one long commercial for the Dodge Charger Louis drives like a maniac in. 

*The title to this post was taken from the song lyrics to a song featured on Bob's Burgers.

Blacksplotation Or A Creepy Look At The Social Injustices Of The 1960s?

Also Known as I Crossed the Color Line

This is a "social issues" film from 1966 about a light skinned black man who passes for white to infiltrate the KKK and to get revenge on the man that killed his daughter. The film makers were kind enough to explain the plot in a song played over the opening credits just in case you didn't understand the synopsis or film reviews. 

Jazz daddy Jerry Elsworth is living the life in LA, he's a musician who has a white girlfriend, black and white friends and is all around just one cool cat. He's so cool he risks his own safety to obtain pictures to document, what I assume to be, the Watts Rebellion for his white friend who is a journalist. He's so cool that getting bricks hurled at him doesn't even phase him. One night after a seemingly long sex session with his girl, who keeps hassling him about marriage, he receives a call from someone informing him that his daughter was killed after being fire bombed by the Klan during an evening church service. Jerry goes insane with anger and grief and yells at his girlfriend that she's a white woman and she needs to get out of his bed, he then goes on to choke that bitch out. Don't worry, Jerry catches himself before killing her and then he runs and runs and runs down a long tunnel with all of the terrible voices ringing in his head of just a few minutes ago.

What started all of Jerry's problems? A young black man read in the newspaper that the Civil Rights bill was passed and he wanted to go into town to see if it was true, he wanted to get a cup of coffee at a local cafe that should have been desegregated but wasn't. Whitey didn't appreciate the young man's attempt at dignity and equality so they do a night raid and hang the kid and fire bomb the church but hit little Mary Elsworth with the molotov cocktail instead. 

Jerry decides that if he shaves that merkin off of his chin and wears a bad wig of straight hair he'll be able to pass and join the Klan in his hometown. 

That's not a soul patch, that's a Brillo Pad.

And of course he does and he quickly gains the respect and confidence of the local Klan leader. He even nails that son of bitch's very white and blond daughter. I wish they would have done a sequel taking place nine moths later documenting the struggles of a single unwed mother of a biracial child who goes from racist hater to civil rights pioneer. Not really. 

Jerry gets his wish and is initiated into the Klan.

Buck up Jerry, that's a three hundred thread count Egyptian cotton sheet you're wearing.

Jerry finds his daughter's killer and exacts his revenge by shooting the bastard or maybe the guy just drives into a tree and dies that way. I don't know, that part was just a ridiculous clusterfuck of too many ideas going on at once.

I have some issues with this film. The first one, if Jerry loved his daughter so damn much, why did he leave her with his mother in a hotbed of racism and hate? Since LA was such a damn paradise for him, maybe he should have moved the whole damn family out with him? This is the one that bothers me the most, his stupid girlfriend follows him. He tries to kill her in a rage because she's white and she decides it's a good idea to follow him to his daughter's funeral and try maybe to patch things up? Couldn't the film makers also have throw in a little bit of women's lib into the mix with her telling Jerry to go fuck off after he nearly chokes her to death? And the subplot of the two Harlem radicals being brought into town to show the African American residents how to fight back with violence was clunky and drug on for longer than needed.  

One bright spot was the "Hey it's that guy!" moment when Grady pops up on the screen. Whitford Mayo of Sanford and Son fame has a small but important role, important to me anyway. He plays the owner of the towns only black bar and black hotel and he has hell of a lot more common sense than anyone else in this film. Way to go Grady! 

Whitford Mayo AKA Grady and some other guy.