Gift idea #1: This is the last minute gift that proves you don't have any fucks left to give when it comes to Christmas and the people you don't like but still have to buy something for. A $1 scratch and win lottery ticket, a Slim Jim and a can of cheap beer. Keep your fingers cross that karma doesn't bite you in the ass by making the ticket a winner, even a win of $1 is unacceptable. Merry fucking Christmas to all and if any little children stumble upon this... Santa Claus isn't real. It's your mom and dad, they've been lying to you for all of these years. What other lies have they been telling you?
Gift idea #5: For that foodie in your life who's always trying to make you eat some exotic food stuff with questionable ingredients, give them a Hickory Farms gift basket. We all know that sausage has all sorts of questionable ingredients and the cheese is definitely not up to their snobby standards especially the cheese spread. Might as well give them a can of Cheez Whiz and a box of Ritz Crackers... come to think of it, that would be the better gift but the gift basket makes seem at least you put some thought and effort into it.
Gift idea #6: Cookies are delicious and nummy-yummy! A homemade gift of cookies and other assorted baked goods is a good idea but.... Did you every have a Christmas cookie swap at the office? A majority of cookies made by co-workers mostly turn out burnt, dry, flavorless and downright gross. And if you don't like to bake or are just too lazy to bother, here's an easier and faster alternative.
Gift idea #8: Usually gift certificates are the best, but then there are times when they're just the worst. And those times are when you get a gift certificate for some store or restaurant that you have to go out of your way of to use.
Gift idea #9: For the elderly neighbor who over decorates their house and front yard. This frightening vintage battery operated Santa. Look into it's demonic eyes!
Gift idea #10: This one has WTF written all over it. As I was thinking of what crappy gift to give to someone you don't really like for today, I remembered that ebay sellers sell lots of crappy books. Here's a rather interesting lot of books for sale. I never knew that Slave fiction was a genre and it's the perfect crappy X-Mas gift to give the book lover and completely racist asshole in your life. This would be your not so subtle way of telling that racist hussy that you've got their number.
I know, I missed yesterday. Gift idea #12: For the pompous more cultured than you art lover in your life, give them a beautiful painting of Elvis on velvet. Surely you'll earn bonus points if you can find a painting with both Jesus and Elvis. By bonus points I mean, that they'll start to avoid any conversations with you about art lest they want to hear you rant about why there are no velvet canvasses hanging in the Louvre.
Gift idea #11: A crappy gift set from Wal-Mart for that distant cousin you only see once a year at Christmas time. It's cheap and you only have to put as much thought into it as you do them. Besides aren't they still 7 and into SpongeBob and like hot chocolate? Meh, do you even really care?
Gift idea #14: For the sullen goth lite nephew in your life who rails against Christianity more to upset his parents than for any real religious objections, give him the gift of the "I'm evil and weird" starter pack of The Satanic Bible, The Necronomicon, a download of some random death metal music, a collection of short stories by HP Lovecraft and black fingernail polish. Black clothes sold separately. This should catapult you from lame aunt or uncle to the "You're no longer invited into our home" aunt or uncle.
Gift idea #15: This one is for the "vintage" loving co-worker who's name you drew in the secret Santa basket. You know her, she's kooky and arty and purely obnoxious. Just because it's old doesn't make it vintage nor worth selling on ETSY but to people like her if its older than 10 years it's vintage and worth selling. Ugh. So give that bitch this very fugly and very 70s fiber optic lamp clock. It has fake flowers, a blue plastic case, and a nicotine yellowing clock face. Bonus, you might be able to score something similar to this eyesore for free, just scrounge around your nana's attic.
Gift idea #16: This one is a double whammy in that it can be the perfect crappy gift for that obnoxious niece and her cuntastic mom, aka the sister in law that you hate. Give the gift of cheap glamour with an exquisite gift set from Wet n Wild to that annoying niece who's just starting to explore her style and then give her an awesome head to toe makeover in denim and big hair.
Not only will you be teaching your niece how to pile on the makeup real thick and bright but she'll be the first of her friends to sport the most coveted outfit of the 80s, The Canadian Tuxedo! All the while giving the sister in law you hate a conniption fit over her little girl's new look. Two birds, one stone!
Gift idea #17: This has to be the classiest commercial for the worst smelling perfume. It's the perfect gift for the woman in your life that you loathe.
Only 17 days left until Christmas, need last minute ideas for the people in your life that you hate? I'm here to help, so check daily for the best of the worse.
