Set the Night on Fire and Spark Up a J, Lambada!

Lambada is a bad movie, want to know how bad it really is? It's so bad that it's IMDB page doesn't have a cast or crew list. I guess all parties involved want to forget this abomination of cinema. That sucks for them, but for me it made some great movie watching! 

Lambada is so bad, it's good, it's stupid and funny in that unintentional way that makes bad movies so great. The cast is low star to no star and the plot is ridiculous. I'm amazed this film ever got made. 

J. Eddie Peck (he played Cole on The Young and the Restless in the mid to late 90s) stars as Kevin Laird a nerdy hot math teacher at a snotty Beverly Hills high school, unfortunately he doesn't teach the teens of Beverly Hills Teens but he does teach some of the oldest look teenagers since Beverly Hills 90210 or Welcome Back Kotter. Two of the better known teens are played by Melora Hardin who would later go onto play Jan in the painfully unfunny and completely inferior American remake of The Office, she was Michael Scott's boss then later girlfriend, and Ricky Paull (I can't with that extra L) Goldin, star of various bad TV movies co-starring Yasmine Bleeth and several different soap operas, play two of his snotty rich kid students. But who gives a fuck about these virtual nobodies because it also stars Shabba Doo! That's right, Shabba Motherfucking Doo from Breakin! 

Dance, Shabba Doo, Dance!

Peck's Kevin Laird has a double life, during the day he's a mild manner nerdy math teacher, at night he is the studly black tank top, black pants, black leather jacket wearing motorcycle driving good doer who teaches a bunch of high school drop outs to get their GEDs and does some of that sinful Lambada dancing on the side. 

Sorry, but I couldn't find footage of J. Eddie Peck dancing with a random skank

While Mr. Laird is out teaching/dancing two of his Beverly Hills students, Sandy and Dean, are on a date. Sandy catches Dean getting some dirty slut dress wearing bimbo's digits and breaks it off. As fate would have it she meets a classmate who is on a date with twins, they go to the latest and hottest night club on the East side, No Man's Land. There Sandy spies Mr. Laird dancing the lambada and the basement floods. Sandy now has her sights set on tapping that ass and starts stalking him and having lustful daydreams like the following. 

I just love motorcycle dancing, don't you? Sandy has it bad, so bad that her constant stalking him is going to endanger his job, reputation and teaching his Galaxy High School group to help them get their GEDs. Damn, Sandy! Meanwhile Dean is desperate to get Sandy back and he further endangers Mr. Lairds good works. Spoiled rich kids. 

Kevin Laird is a good guy, he loves his 47 year old looking wife who seems to have lock jaw, seriously, she mumbles everything, and teaches his son valuable lessons such as you never call someone of Hispanic descent a greaser because he was called a greaser as a child and it's just racist. Turns out Mr. Laird was really born Carlos Gutierrez, he was adopted after his parents died when he was young. At home and at school he's Mr. White Guy and when he is at the club he's known at Blade and wears a knife earring and is one cool ass homie. 

Mr. Laird has more problems than just Sandy and Dean, at the club a guy named Ramone (that's Shabba Doo to me and you, bitches!) doesn't like Blade's lambada dancing/teaching ways. He tells his girl that she doesn't need school and neither does he. I'm going to throw it out there, never take life advice from someone who dresses like this:

Damn, internet, why you messing with my post?

Damn it, I can't find a picture, but he wears white pants and a red sash as a belt. Okay, so what I'm saying is never take life advice from a man who dresses like a pirate who's style idol is Miami Vice's Sonny Crocket. But deep down you know that Ramone wants to learn, he's just waiting for someone to teach him a life lesson first, and does he ever learn it.

Ramone also gets a math lesson but that's not nearly as exciting as trying to knife some guy you thought was just a white prick. Life and math lessons learned Ramone is slowly starting to see the light, but he still has one more mistake to make. He drops the dime to Dean as to where Blade went. Dean thinks that Sandy and Laird are boning and Ramone just wants to spoil Blade's plans because he's still hateful even though he really wants to be one of Blade's students deep down inside. Sandy learns from following Mr. Laird to the high school after hours what he's really up to, which is giving the disadvantaged 20-30 something year olds a practice GED test. Doesn't she feel like an idiot? She immediately loses her lady boner for Laird because he's not the sleaze she thinks he is. Dean rounds up a posse of his follow rich douchebags students and Ramone gathers up some of his fellow wrong side of the barrio friends and a brawl breaks out on the school grounds. Mr. Laird loses his job and his two worlds collide when the two classes must compete in a math quiz bowl so he can keep his job. And the winner is.... Galaxy High, but of course. 

This movie suffers from an identity crisis, does it want to be a dance movie, a movie touting the benefits of getting an education, a steamy forbidden teacher/student romance, a movie about a whacky gang of high schoolers who like to dance, a movie with a very soft finger wagging message against racism and classism? The only thing I'm certain of is that it fails on all levels, as a comedy it succeeds but just barely. 

Lambada has some strange scenes. In one scene Mr. Laird's snooty Beverly Hills class have dance fever and start dancing in class while he returns some pilfered books from the school's library.

No, I couldn't find a clip on Youtube, those bastards!

Dosie Dough rich teens of Beverly Hills

Lambada is a movie that one has to see to believe an experienced not to be missed it's the better of the two lambada themed movies from the early 90s. I've watched it sober twice, but if you don't have the stomach I do for bad films then watch it while in an altered stat. My point is, just watch it.