Never Trust A Man Who Eats Cats

Return from the Ashes 1965

Starring: Ingrid Thulin, Maximilian Schell and Samantha Eggar

It's 1945 and we have European people on a train, there's a snot-nosed brat who keeps hitting the door and making an obnoxious noise. Would someone please make him stop or throw him out of the tra... never mind the kid opened the door and physics solved that problem!

What's this? A clearly traumatized lady in a near catatonic state isn't shirking in horror over what just happened and the other passengers are judging her obvious lack of emotion until they see the tattooed numbers on her arm. That's right you assholes, this lady just survived a death camp! And it wasn't one of those fun Hogan's Heroes type death camps either! 

Seriously though, who thought that was a good idea for a television show? More importantly, what the fuck was wrong with the people who watched it? 

She booked a room in a shabby little French hotel?? And she has money to pay for it? This seems kind of wrong. How would she have money for the hotel room? Now she's placing a call, it would do her good to let a friend or a family member know that she survived and to maybe come to pick her up. Some guy we can't see answers the phone and some girl is with him so she hangs up real quick. 

Now for the flashback sequence that explains all. The lady's name is Michelle and the man who answered the phone is her husband Stan. I guess their meeting is considered a meet-cute for the chess crowd. Michelle sees Stan sitting alone at a chessboard and offers to play three rounds with him for thirty francs each. 

Who knew chess could be so titillating?

While she's good, Stan is better and he wins all three rounds, Michelle is wealthy and needs change for her one hundred francs while Stan is poverty-stricken and has no change. She takes him out for a drink he takes her back to his cliched poor person Parisian flat and shows off the cat he plans on eating for dinner someday soon. They also have what I supposed is a kinky discussion about The Brothers Karamazov and Ivan's theory that if there is no God then morality does not exist. That's the brother Stan crushes on. All of this charms Michelle and thus starts the courtship of Michelle's money.

"Rough and Ready Butt Sluts" Dostoevsky's pen really was touched by God!

Stan has dreams of becoming an international grand chess master and now he has a new dream of spending Michelle's money. Oh, there's some mention of a stepdaughter that Michelle badly neglected. 

Where is Michelle's sassy gay friend to point out all that is wrong with this scenario? Wait a minute, she does have a good friend named Charles who keeps telling her the truth and she keeps refusing to listen. She's supposed to be an intelligent woman, I guess even the most intelligent woman is still stupid enough to let a shiftless man who uses too much Pomade in his hair walk all over her. 

How do I love thee? I love thee bishop's knight to queen five. That's how.

Finally, the Nazi bastards occupy France, and Michelle, who is Jewish, is in danger of being rounded up. Stan declares that he will never leave her or her money and proposes to her. Michelle wishes he was doing it out of love and not out of rebellion, but is still dumb enough to accept. Just as they are leaving wherever it is the French go to get quickie onesided marriages she gets taken away.

This is awkward, but I need the key to your flat before you go. 

So, let me get this straight. She spends the past five years in Dachau struggling to survive to come back to Stan? Really? Greasy oily Stan who's currently fucking her bratty stepdaughter? Oh, honey. 

Of course, Michelle goes under the knife to look her pre-detained best for Stan. One day while Michelle is out and about with a hideous new hair don't her bratty stepdaughter, Fabi, sees her and thinks "That lady sure looks like my neglectful stepmother. Hmmm, I've got it, I'll hatch a plan with her and Stan to get my stepmother's millions! I mean she's long dead and doesn't need them, right?" Wrong.

This is stupid. I get that Stan thinks that she's dead but he should be able to recognize her voice and her eyes. But then again it did seem like he paid more attention to his hair than he did to her.  Goddamnit, Stan is insulting Michelle straight to her face thinking she's someone else and she still wants the oily bastard! Slap him, Michelle! No,  don't play along with them! She does until she decides to blink first. 

Stan is shocked then he plays the guilt game telling her how cruel it was to make him and Fabi think that she was dead. Motherfucker says what? After the death camps were liberated you'd think that concerned husband Stan would have tried to find a way to learn her fate? Nope, he was too busy fucking Fabi and living in her home rent-free. 

No, Michelle, that's just a rook in his pocket, he has never been happy to see you without your money.

Welp, the dumb Dora just fell for it and moved back into her home. Now Fabi is stomping around the place and yelling at Michelle and at Stan. Are we sure that Stan is really as good at chess as they want us to believe? Because he's really bad at the game they're playing. Instead of insisting that Michelle kick Fabi out so they could have time together and rebuild their marriage, he thinks it's a good idea that all three of them live under the same roof. He could still have Fabi and Michelle's money. 

One night while out with Charles at a really fancy restaurant Michelle returns to find Stan leaving Fabi's room in his robe and then Fabi coming out to tell him to bring more Champagne. Now Fabi is yelling that she's glad Michelle knows and I am too. Now maybe Michelle will wake up. Nope, Stan plays the "boo hoo you're torturing me by leaving me and I am miserable without you and Fabi means nothing to me" card.

Upon her return to her home, Michelle tells Fabi that she's going to find her a nice place to live and that Stan does not love Fabi but neither does he love her. The next day Fabi comes up with a plan to kill her horrible stepmother who's willing to pay her way in life. How so you ask? By rigging the safe with a gun to shoot first and ask questions never!

Later that night Fabi gets drunk on booze, swallows some pills, and slips into a tube of hot water. Stan comes in and talks to her for a bit then starts to lick her hand, arm, toes, and feet. 

A farewell to legs.

After he's good and sure Fabi has passed out, he pulls her under and she drowns. Now Stan doesn't have to share. 

Now Stan goes off to some chess match, makes an ass out of himself for an alibi, and then calls Michelle to get her to open the safe. 

Don't worry, Michelle doesn't die. Her good friend Charles was there to save her and now Stan is carted off to the guillotine.

And to think, I let you pet my pussy before I ate it.

 This film felt icky and exploitative but not in a fun way.

Amazon Prime