Alice in Stabby Land

Alice, Sweet Alice aka Communion 1976

Kind of starring Brooke Shields and Jackie Gleason’s daughter Linda Miller.

Hey, it’s that Brooke Shields horror movie. My aunt bought my sister a VHS copy and for some reason, the cover terrified me and I could never watch it. For reference as a small child I was a horror fanatic then I hit adolescence and everything terrified me. *shrugs*

What do we have here? Catholics! Italian Catholics at that! And we have Brooke Shields ladies and gentlemen a pre Joan Crawford eyebrows Brooke Shields! She looks like herself but again she doesn’t. She was a cute kid.

Wait until those caterpillars fully grow in.

Brooke isn’t Alice? I always thought she was Alice.

Brooke, Mom, and Alice are leaving church and now they’re at the rectory visiting Father Tom. But Mom doesn’t call him Father Tom she calls him Tom. That’s kind of suspect. What’s up with that? With the exception of creepy Elvis wannabe Father Bob, we always called our priests by their last names.

Brooke’s first communion is coming up and Father Tom has a special gift for her, Alice seems put out by this so she says she has to pee. But Alice doesn’t go pee, she puts on a creepy mask and scares the Kitchen Crone instead. Alice obviously has some serious behavioral issues that are not being addressed.

Anywhore, back to Brooke’s first communion present… it’s a cross necklace that belonged to Father Tom’s mother??? Okay, Father Tom and Brooke’s mother are fucking. They are totally fucking, she probably gives him handy j’s in the confessional.

It looks like Kitchen Crone is upset over Father Tom gifting that necklace to Brooke.

Here we are at Casa Single Mom and Brooke is crying that Alice stole the doll that daddy gave her. Alice is going to break it! She’s going to break it!! Okay, Brooke is no longer cute to me.

Mom leaves which allows Alice to go outside causing Brooke to give chase. Alice runs into an abandoned building. That’s not safe! This is New Jersey in the late 1970s I’m sure they had some kind of PSA campaign warning children about the dangers of abandoned buildings. Actually, it's a pretty solid-looking building. Hahahahah Alice shoves Brooke into a room and closes the door on her. That’s right, leave her there Alice! Actually, that’s something my sister would have done to me but she would have left me in there a lot longer. Psycho.

The Abandoned Buildings of New Jersey

And we’re back at Casa Single Mom. Now Alice is jealous of Brooke’s communion dress and steals the veil. Boohoohoo Alice stole my veil she’s going to ruin it! She ruined it! Shut up Brooke.

Ewww, who’s the fat fuck with the grease stain on the crotch of his pants? I don’t want to know this guy. Please cut away, please cut away. How do you even get a grease stain that big on the crotch of your pants? Gross, he just called himself mama and is feeding some kittens tuna. Now he’s eating from the can. Hork. God, he reminds me of that monster in a short story from The King in Yellow. Please can we just move this along before I vomit in my mouth? Fat Man and Alice don’t like one another. They’re both horrible.

Communion day has arrived! Look at all of those little girls in their white dresses and veils. I was a fat brat that looked like a trussed-up piglet in my dress. What’s this? Little Miss Perfect isn’t the first one in line? She’s all the way in the back. Ha ha. Mom gets into a pew with a lady with a tree up her ass a fat girl a dweeby looking man and a little boy. They must be family. Where’s Alice?

Now some nun older than Methusela is herding the girls on out. Uh oh! Someone wearing that creepy mask and a yellow rain jacket with the name of the Catholic school on it just grabbed Brooke from behind and is strangling her with a... candle? I know it’s one of those thick Catholic candles but come the fuck on, that sucker would break after a while. I refuse to suspend my belief for this scene.

Meanwhile, at the front of the house Mom and Auntie and Uncle and cousins are trying to figure out where the hell Alice is, Auntie sends fat cousin Angela to look for her.

Meanwhile, at the back of the house, the murderer is dragging Brooke’s body to some kind of chest and throwing it in there with a lit candle. That's pretty horrific. Don’t forget the necklace!

Meanwhile, at the front of the house, Alice shows up wearing the same yellow jacket and takes Brooke’s place in line. Mom and Auntie are like “What the fuck is she doing there? Where’s Brooke?” Father Tom is mumbling Latin and doling out the body of Christ, he gets to Alice and cue smoke coming in through the door and people running to see what’s up and Brooke’s body has been found! Alice is so un-favored she can’t even get a priest to put the body of Christ in her mouth. Wah wah.Holy hell! No one can scream like an East Coast ethnic woman.

The worst thing that happened to me on my first communion day was that I developed a fear of public speaking.

Funeral day and the cops are staking out the church. Here comes Daddy! He was smart enough to leave the new wife at home. It seems like Mom and Dad have a pretty good post-divorce relationship.

OMG, Auntie is loud. Speak up honey, I don’t think they can hear you accuse Alice of murder in Manhattan!

Please don’t show the fat man again, please don’t show the fat man again, please don’t show the fat man again. Do’h they’re showing the fat man again! Mom gives Alice a cake to deliver to him. Ick. Nast. Alice just scooped some frosting off it and is now licking her finger. Now Fatty Arbuckle is telling her that Brooke is going to come back for her doll!

It’s a new day at Casa Single Mom Minus One and Alice is fighting with Auntie and screaming about how she doesn’t want to go back to school, she wants to be with her mommy! Maybe if you would have kept that cake you could have filled Alice’s piehole with it. But whatever you do, do not send Alice down to Fat Albert’s apartment. And Mother is sending her down with the rent check. Fuck.

Alice and Fatso are taunting each other. Please do not go there. And it’s going there! I thought One Ton was into the mens. Girl, get outta there! Oh no, she picked up a kitten and I can’t watch this! Covering my eyes and humming a tune so I can’t hear what I’m not seeing. At least she got out of there.

Meanwhile, Auntie Tree Up Her Ass, and Mom are fighting. Blah blah blah, that’s it Auntie is out of there! And what’s this? The murderer is lying in wait and stabby stabby in the leg. So much middle-aged lady from New Jersey screaming.

They took Auntie to a Catholic hospital and even that isn’t keeping her from screaming at Mom and accusing Alice. Father Tom stop them from screeching at each other. It’s disturbing the lady right next to you!

Since Alice is their favorite suspect they’re giving her a polygraph test. And it’s going about how you would expect it to.

Ha ha, Alice just knocked that polygraph machine off of the table like a cat.

They sent Alice away to a psych ward or something. Alice hid the fact that she started her period from her mother? How in the hell does that work? I’m sure Casa Single Mom Minus One only has one bathroom, there’s no way in hell to hide something like that.

Hey, it’s Kitchen Crone! I guess she’s the rectory den mother and is she ever possessive of Father Tom.

Back at Casa Single Mom Minus Two, Mom gets a crank call, some sicko is pretending to be Alice and is crying. This gets Mom and Dad super hot so hot they want to fuck on the couch but the phone rings and stops that. Oh, it’s the new wife! Now Dad has a case of blueballs and is snapping at the new wife. It’s time to leave because the guilt and shame are just too much to handle. No sloppy seconds for Father Tom.

Dad said that he’s going back but to where I don’t know. Maybe he just meant to his hotel or to his home proper. I don’t know and I don’t care. I just know that he’s pulling files of his first wife from the spank bank and he’s going to paint that hotel room tonight. Hmmm, maybe not because he just got a phone call from… FAT COUSIN ANGELA? Yeah, that’s got to be a trick. Why would the fat daughter of your ex-sister-in-law whom you probably haven’t seen in years call you at your hotel to confess to having Father Tom’s cross necklace?

Shithead Dad is falling for it and he’s gonna die because of it.

Whomever the killer is it sure ain’t Fat Angela. It’s so obviously not her. Go call the police, moron.

Ouch, he just got stabbed and beaten with a brick. Now he’s tied up and is being rolled towards a huge opening on the top floor of an abandoned building. And the killer is… No way, it's Kitchen Crone! Why is she screaming about whores? I must have blinked because all of a sudden he’s biting down on the cross like an angry pitbull and won’t let go.

I don’t know how I feel about Kitchen Crone being the murderer.

Kitchen Crone wants to confess. And Father Tom is telling her what a good person she is and that heaven will be her reward. And is she ever getting off on it. I bet those panties are destroyed. She could get $100 for those on Ebay, I’m sure it.

Kitchen Crone is now back at the rectory and preparing dinner or whatever when Mom stops by! Talk about bad timing. Kitchen Crone has the blood lust and a post-orgasmic high. Get out of there now. Bitch, you better stop calling him Tom because Kitchen Crone does not appreciate it one bit. She’s getting all twitchy with that knife, I would make an excuse to leave if I were you, Mom. And it’s Father Tom, oh I mean Tom, to the rescue! But he has some bad news.

The screaming in this film is getting on my last good nerve.

When in the hell did this movie turn into Dynasty? Mom is dressed up like Alexis Carrington at a disposable husband’s funeral. And now it’s all about her and Father Tom isn’t feeling it. He’d probably rather be feeling up Mom right now in that hot Joan Collins cosplay outfit. They just sprung Alice and are taking her home. This is healthy, Mom won’t tell Alice that Dad is dead.

Kitchen Crone’s blood lust is starting to get out of control. She sneaks out of the rectory to go a -stabbing at Casa Single Mom Plus One.

Okay, let’s wrap this up.

Kitchen Crone stabs the Jakeless Fat Man, he dead. The kittens are mewling and it’s so loud it disturbed Mao and he got up and left. The copper staking out Casa Single Mom Minus One saw Kitchen Crone run away, they have their murderer!

Sunday bloody Sunday! Kitchen Crone followed Mom and Alice to church. Father Tom is telling the police that Kitchen Crone would never hurt him so let him handle turning her over to the police. That was a mistake but it’s your funeral, Tom.

It’s time for communion and Kitchen Crone is about ready to piss her pants to keep up with Mom and Alice. She catches up to them and is kneeling next to Alice. Father Tom just gave Mom her wafer, now maybe Alice can finally take communion. Nope, Father Tom skips her like she was never there to tell Kitchen Crone to go outside to be arrested. She just screamed at Father Tom about giving communion to a whore. Hey, you can’t say whore in church! She slit Father Tom’s throat and is holding him close to her like a lovah! Poor Mom, she no longer has those monthly child support and alimony checks and Tom won’t be around to make sure that Catholic Charities opens up their purse to help her out.

Damn, I forgot about Alice. She drifted to the back of the church clutching Kitchen Crone’s paper shopping bag and pulled out the knife making a face that says “Now it’s my turn to kill”.

This is actually a solid horror film. I enjoyed it way more than I thought I would.