If Only Your Friends Could See Your Bloated Rotting Corpse Now!

 Between Two Worlds

Starring John Garfield, Sydney Greenstreet, and some other long-dead actors.

Wartime England and these fools want to sail the Atlantic to America. Good luck with that. We have the sardonic young American, a flashy lady,  Lord & Lady Stuffychops, a quiet elderly lady, a rich jackass, an American sailor on his way home, and a timid Reverand. Thanks for introducing us to these all too cliched passengers. 

I hear they have an excellent bite tachetée de fromage

Oh yeah? That guy over there also has a cheesy spotted dick. 

Rich Jackass is angry that his men got on another ship, he's raising a fuss over it and John is experiencing that German word for shameful joy. I'm too lazy to Google it, yeah I'm a dumb fuck. Some poor sap is desperately trying to get on that boat, but he doesn't have a permit or money, but he will provide slave labor if they just let him on! No dice chuckles. Their party has been called and they're headed off to the car to take them to the dock.

A woman comes running down the street frantically trying to find Henry, she shoves her head into the car yelling his name. Oh no, an air raid siren!  A bomb was dropped and it hit the car! They're all dead. This was a short film. I wonder what else is on?

Oh, it's not over yet. That lady is still looking for the guy who couldn't get on the boat. His name is Henry and he's going to kill himself the Sylvia Plath way. I remember when I actually thought she stuck her head in the oven *shrugs*. The lady looking for Henry is his wife, her name is Ann, and she ran back to the apartment to huff on some gas too. Now Henry is giving Ann a speech about why she must live and he must die because the war made him a nervous shaking wreck and he can never play the piano again. Shut up, Henry, just let her go with you!

I know where this is going...

Henry and Ann are suddenly on that boat he couldn't get on and they're dead. So are the other passengers but they just don't know it yet. Yawn. Henry and Ann just wander around for a while until Henry finds a piano and it's a miracle! He can play again!

John Garfield and that flashy lady are sitting at the bar that only one person is tending and no one really thinks much about the fact that he's the only purser or whatever you call them on the ship. I'll call him English Gopher. John is yammering on about something and saying they should get married. Flashy Lady ain't having it and says they should split. Here comes Rich Jackass he knows John, and as it turns out he got John fired from his job as a reporter for investigating him. Rich Jackass is telling John that he'll ruin John for good and that he will never find work again! Don't worry John, I'm sure you can get a job at the Weekly World News. Oh, they went out of print you say? Never mind.

Pictured above, Bat Boy in his glory days.

Not much is happening other than a lot of talking and John Garfield is giving a lot of word-salad speeches. I have no clue as to what the hell he's talking about. Seriously no clue, all I can tell is that they're sardonic and hostile and oh so stupid. I wish someone would push his soul overboard. He kind of knows that they're all dead but then again he doesn't. What's this? Flashy Lady is coming onto Rich Jackass. She tells him that she's an actress and that the French can tell an actress just by looking at one. I think this is code for "I'll drop them panties but don't be shocked when you see the syphilis sore" and I think that's how the French can tell. John goes out for a stroll and runs into the quiet elderly lady, her name is Mrs. Midget and she really really likes John. No, not like that, but in a motherly way.

That sailor guy who's obnoxiously nice and won't shut the hell up about the infant daughter he hasn't seen looks really familiar. Where have I seen him before? Oh! He played Abner Kraviz in Bewitched! He looks better older. 

Mr. Kravitz spoon-feeding Mrs. Kravitz poison.

Anyhoo, Sailor Guy decides to annoy the others at a poorly attended dinner about his infant daughter and he won't shut his cake hole about her. Ann can't take it and runs out of the dining room grabbing at her hair. That was rude I mean he is annoying but to run out like that... oh she's not annoyed shitless she's going a bit mad with guilt and pity. Henry runs after her and they have a discussion about how they're suicides and they're not like the others blah blah blah. Rich Jackass finds them and he begs Henry to be his bodyguard. He shoves five hundred pounds and a gun into Henry's hands and leaves. John is eavesdropping so now he knows and he's going to be a real smug dick about it. English Gopher begs John to keep his yap shut.

Dinner is ruined and Rich Jackass is making eyes at Flashy Lady and telling English Gopher to get some sex food and Champagne sent to his cabin around midnight. Lady Stuffychops is henpecking Lord Stuffychops to save Rich Jackass from that harlot Flashy Lady, Lord Stuffychops just gets up and leaves their table. He's politely telling her to go to hell. Lady Stuffychops decides to bother Rich Jackass herself. Rich Jackass is nice and politely disengages himself from her and goes to make his move on Flashy Lady who's into the idea! She has finally hit the jackpot and is going to be a rich man's wife or mistress! If she can't be a famous actress with syphilis she rather be in a loveless marriage with a hefty bank account or that much gossiped about kept woman with syphilis! That's right kids, always dream big and shoot for them stars! 

Meanwhile, Timid Reverand shows up late for dinner and Sailor Guy chews his ear off while Lord Stuffychops stands there. Sailor Guy decides they should entertain one another. He'll get John to perform some sleight of hand for the group of bored passengers. Bad idea. 

John is an asshole and performs the worst "magic" act this side of your five-year-old nephew who just discovered card tricks. He burns Rich Jackasse's five hundred pounds and Rich Jackass is about to have a coronary over it. And for the closer he shoots Rich Jackass with the gun he gave Henry only Rich Jackass doesn't die. Why does he still live? He wants to know! That's when John lets the dead cat out of the bag. 

I'd rather be on that ship than on a Carnival Funship cruise with Kathy Lee any day.

Now it's up to English Gopher to explain what's going on and what's going to happen next, the Examiner is coming and it's time to face judgment! English Gopher is asking Henry to help him prepare for the Examiner and Ann keeps begging him not to do it.

Finally, we have Sidney Greenstreet ladies and gentlemen! He's not the big G-Man but just a dead member of the clergy who knows Timid Reverand. Timid Reverand's eternal fate is to be an examiner as well. This will fulfill his wish to work with the people but he'll be assigning their souls to their eternal fates. That would be a fun job. Flashy Lady is distraught because she was "this" close to having waiters bow to her so she runs away yelling that she will not be judged!

Lady Stuffychops is up first. She asks for a villa but gets a castle instead! Here's the catch, she will be all alone in that castle for eternity with no servants! What a shock! No one to boss around or clean for her. I hope they give her one of those medieval castles that are always damp and constantly cold. Her sin, cheating on Lord Stuffychops every chance she got. She was a lot more sinful and dirty than Flashy Lady. What's this? Lord Stuffychops knew but loved her anyway, well that's until she got old, he mumbles that she was so beautiful. Lord Stuffychop's reward is playing golf with his golfing buddies in Cape Town? No, no, no, no, no! Send Apartheid Stuffychops to some kind of hell! 

Sailor Guy is angry and rightfully so, but The Examiner tells him to chill and that one day he will be reunited with his wife and daughter. He better hope that his wife doesn't remarry someone that she ends up loving more because she'll want to spend the rest of her eternity with him. 

Rich Jackass barges in and demands that The Examiner take a bribe in exchange for a good afterlife. Ha ha, this is the other time that money can't buy you something, like class!

John is up now, and he demands that The Examiner plays a game of highest card wins with him. And he lost. The dumb word-salad-spitting shithead. His fate is spending eternity knowing that he's a douchebag. Now Flashy Lady comes in wearing all black. She scraped that war paint off and is ready for her punishment which is to spend eternity on Redemption Island or wherever sluts who want to reform go. She pities John and gives him a kiss goodbye. Blech. 

Now it's Mrs. Midget's turn. The Examiner gives her her long-longed-for cottage by the sea with roses. John hangs around acting like a douche-nozzle over his fate and Mrs. Midget gives up her cottage by the sea with roses to take care of big baby John. John agrees and as they're leaving to start their eternity together The Examiner reveals that she's actually John's mother who gave him up as a baby for a better life. That lady is Irish and John is an American so this raises so many more questions... Her heaven is taking care of a grown baby.

Now it's time for Henry and Ann's fate. Henry is destined to be another gopher on a Princess Cruise to nowhere while Ann has to leave for wherever because she died for Henry! The Examiner left so can't we just end this voyage of the damned now? 

Nope, Henry now can hear breaking glass and he goes for a walk then Ann can't find him. You know what this means... He's not dead and he saves Ann! And I feel cheated. Henry's hell should have been waking up to a dead Ann. 

This film is meh, just this shy of a blech. But it helped me fall asleep.