Masters of None

Masters of the Universe 1987

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Courtney Cox, Meg Foster, Billy Barty, and Christina Pickles?? 

The opening narration gives us directions to Castle Grayskull. Quick, someone give them to Elon Musk! Maybe he can hop onto his crotch rocket and get lost.

Here comes Skeletor thumping his staff in what I suspect is supposed to be an impressive grand entrance? Well, it wasn't. 

That Skeletor mask they have him wearing is of poor quality. If they would have waited some 30 years later they they could have made a better mask from a mold of Marc Anthony's face.

I ❤He-Man

J.Lo's Throw Away

Enter Meg Foster and those creepy eyes of hers playing a character named Evil-Lyn. She's kissing up to Skeletor telling him that they won and blah blah blah that everything is now theirs for the taking but Skeletor is like "Not so fast Tom Ryan!" Stupid bitch! You really thought that Skeletor was going to share Castle Grayskull and Eternia with you? He might be hitting it from behind but that doesn't mean he'll share anything with you other than super gonorrhea. I think she's in an abusive relationship with him. I hope they have a Women's Resource Center in Eternia. It really sucks that women in fantasy are still abused and have less power than their male counterparts. 

Skeletor is bored with her so now he turns his attention to his prisoner, the Sorceress of Grayskull played by Christina Pickles?? She must have needed a quick check because she is not feeling it and is delivering her lines like an unprepared Shriner shuffling through his index cards at the podium. After some awkward back and forth this takes a strange turn, both Skeletor and Sorceress look like they're both getting sexual pleasure from Skeletor shocking her. Evil-Lyn is getting off on it too.

Skeletor is a hologram now informing the people of Eternia that he won and to bow down to him or else! I wish hologram Tupac would shoot a cap in his ass.

Skeletor's army, who suspiciously looks like all of the Storm Troopers had unprotected sex with Cobra Commander, are rounding up the remaining rebels. Bahahahahaha, one of Skeletor's men steps on a big rock and stumbles. The guy in front of him turns around like "Are you okay there, Bob?". Either the editors really hated this movie and wanted to fuck with the head honchos to see if they noticed or they were doing lines of coke with Dolph. I think they were all doing lines of coke.

Finally, we have He-Man! Look at that glorious bleached blonde mullet, those ham, and eggs they call pectorals, and that leather diaper! Dolph looks more like he's trying to remember if it's one protein shake for breakfast and a sensible meal or a light breakfast and then a protein shake at lunch more than he is worrying that Skeletor declared himself ruler of Eternia. 

After some more looking around and looking confused as to why he's there and what he's supposed to be doing He-Man runs into some of Skeletor's men. After some uninspired fighting his friends show up. Teela, oddly enough the actress who plays Teela looks like a Teela, and her father Man-At-Arms helps save the day. 

They save a creature named Gwildor or something like that. Why is Teela being a cunt to him? Maybe it has something to do with that strip of leather between her butt cheeks. Gwildor looks like Leprechaun from Leprechaun got drunk one night and had a threesome with a hobbit and a garden gnome 

I told you so!

This creature is a master locksmith and Skeletor wants him because he invented something called a cosmic key that opens portals to other places and worlds. So we know where this is going... 

Since the bad guys are at the door they swing on by Castle Grayskull where Christina Pickles looks like she is suffering some sort of morning-after shame. Okay, this is taking a turn towards the homoerotic when He-Man tells Skeletor that it's him that he really wants not Sorceress. Okay, if He-Man and Skeletor don't start making out can we cut to another scene? 

This fight scene is ridiculous. They're just standing around jerking their heads at imaginary laser beams and lazily flailing their arms. 

They finally make their escape and land on earth and Gwildor conveniently loses the part of the cosmic key that works.  I'm fully checked out thinking about other things like work, payday, and dinner. 

Finally, we have Courtney Cox, whom I'm sure thought this was going to be a big franchise for her,  is working at some chicken and rib joint but this is her last day. She's moving to Jersey. 

Her boyfriend, who drives an "if this van is a rocking" kind of van, picks her up for their last date. Okay, this scene only exists to let you know who these two are. 

Wow, these two sure know how to have a good time. Driving around in a rape van, listening to "Living In A Box" eating chicken and ribs, bickering about their relationship status and going to visit her parents, her dead parents that is!

Okay, I'm watching "Masters of the Universe" not "James at 15" so let us just move this along.  Courtney and Boyfriend find the working part of the cosmic key, Boyfriend thinks it's a Japanese keyboard so he keeps dicking around with it and this helps Skeletor locate He-Man so Skeletor sends some evil henchman after them. Courtney and Boyfriend are suddenly at their high school gym which looks like is decorated for senior prom? I thought they were twentysomethings, anywhore, Boyfriend goes to see a friend at the music store about the Japanese keyboard and cue the bad guys.

Skeletor's henchman show up out of nowhere and start to harass Courtney,  she starts screaming for them to get out of there and leave her alone as she runs around the gym. I'm waiting for Yakkity Sax to start. She gets out of the gym to run down a dark alley where she meets He-Man who saves her. And just like that the bad guys give up? These are the battle-hardened mercenaries that Skeletor chose? Skeletor is gonna be big mad.

Just as I thought, Skeletor is pissed that he didn't get the cosmic key or He-Man. He's so pissed that he blasts the lizard man into the ether. I'm sure that lizard man would have stolen his mother's heating rock if Skeletor asked him to. Evil-Lyn just had to open her mouth to keep him from killing the other three so he shoves her. He's forcing her to go back to Earth with them to find He-Man and the cosmic key. The abuse is just going to get worse, leave while you still can! 

Back on earth, the police and fire department are headed to the scene at the high school gym. Boyfriend attracts the attention of the bald cop. Gee, I wonder where this is going? Blah blah blah, real boring stuff happens, the bad guys find Boyfriend and put a hypno collar on him to find out where the cosmic key is, but don't worry, Courtney and crew save him. I'm sure you were wringing your hands over it. Courtney assures Boyfriend that He-Man and crew are her friends, but how does she really know that? She could have escaped The Hillside Strangler and jumped into Ted Bundy's VW.

So now we have a battle scene at the music store for the cosmic key. This battle is boring, the only people dying are the disposable bad guys.  Laser beams are flying around everywhere and He-Man just deflects them with his sword or by ducking. Dolph can barely contain his lack of enthusiasm for being there. He's the living embodiment of "whatever".

At this point, my brain has shut down and I'm wondering why I'm watching this and wishing that the storyline would just move along.

Evil-Lyn finally gets the cosmic key through trickery and Skeletor finally joins the party on his flying throne. 

Hahahaha, they have guards on flying hoverboards and it looks like something out of Plan 9. He-Man jumps on a hoverboard and it looks like someone took a small cardboard cut of Dolph and glued it to the end of a pencil eraser and is moving it around to look like it's flying. In "It's a trap!" moment, Skeletor captures He-Man and Courtney gets shot in the leg and instantly gets gangrene. 

Skeletor whisks He-Man away and leaves the others stranded on planet Earth. Don't worry Teela, Burger King is always hiring and if Courtney recovers she can be a reference. Burger King did pin their hopes on this celluloid tragedy with a tie-in. 

Back in Eternia, things start to heat up. Skeletor wants He-Man on his knees! Whip it out, Skeletor, make this movie finally worth watching! Boo! He-Man refuses and gets whipped. 

I don't care what happens on Earth. I can see Boyfriend is already composing reasons as to why they can't stay in his van. No, no, no! Boyfriend is not a master songwriter so stop telling him that, creature-type thingy person. I wonder where this going...

Yay (lazy sarcasm), Boyfriend opens a portal to Castle Grayskull and they save He-Man. This has suddenly turned into a Star Wars rip-off. He-Man and Skeletor have a sword staff battle, and guess who wins?

Okay, Skeletor is dead, evil has been defeated, Courtney's leg has been healed, Sorceress has been saved and the bald cop guy is going to stay in Eternia? This makes absolutely no sense. Bald cop guy is suddenly wearing robes and has an Eternia bimbo at his side. Did he go out for a stroll during the epic battle for Grayskull and wander into a brothel or something. What the hell? Okay, let's just say our goodbyes already.

What an odd film, Dolph Lundgren was so checked out during this film that I'm 100% certain that this was a " just for the coke money." check. I wonder how pissed Courtney and the others were that this didn't turn into a successful franchise. 

 

.